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Hell Hole & Parental Sh**

So it looks like I’m gonna be using this site to just vent and and rant. the Parentals have really been acting like bitches and assholes for the past week.

Tell me something people…does being a 20 something year old mean spending all your time with your parents, doing exactly what they tell you to do, spending your bday with them, & not questioning anything they say? Cuz that’s exactly what they expect.

Today’s my bday & after saying something that isn’t even that much of a big deal, they throw a temper tantrum & take it out on me. Not only that, when I tell them that I don’t want to do something, they start saying that I’m selfish, self-centered and that if people saw what I call “my flaws” no one would like me and then they throw in that until I start acting the way they want me to that God will never let me find someone to love me and that no one will love me.

WHAT THE F**K??????!!!!!!

Oh & this past week when my mom was throwing a tantrum she threatened to hit me with a stick just cuz I was not letting her bully me.

This whole week should have been fun for me, today should have been fun for me, but instead, my bday is shot, & I’m not looking forward to being 28. Honestly, as long as I’m still living with my parents, I’m dreading being an adult.

I hate my parents, & I wish I could move out and disconnect from them. With the way they treat me, I’m never gonna respect them until they start treating me right. If I go to hell for that, then so be it.

I just really hope, tonite’s bday plans don’t get ruined even more. Again, I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Parents & Using Your Age Against You

Hey Tumblr World.
Here’s another rant from me.

What is it with parents and using your age against you when they get mad at you about the smallest thing or whatever?

Example:

we’re now at the grocery store, & I said I didn’t want to go in & that I’ll stay in the van. I’m not the one who has the money to go grab whatever, & everytime I go to the grocery store with my parents, we get into an argument about the stuff I grab, so since I don’t have the money to buy my own thing, I didn’t want to go in. I’m already pissed at them about earlier & they are still rubbing it in that they have money & I don’t.

Anyway, their response:

What’s with you? You’re gonna be 30??!! Start acting your age!!

WTF??!!

First of all I’m only gonna be turning 28 this year, which means I’m still 2 years away from being 30.

Second of all wtf does being almost 30 have anything to do with not wanting to go into the store cuz you’re sick & tired of the triggers that go off when you’re in a store filled with shoppers who have money & you don’t??!!

Seriously, shopping has always been my weakness whether it’s grocery shopping or just shopping. So as much as possible, unless I really need to, I avoid going to the store. But when I have to go with my parents to the store, knowing I’ll be spending the whole time trying to control my impulse triggers, it sucks!!

It’s almost like taking a kid inside the toy store or candy store & torturing them knowing full well they’ll be leaving the store empty-handed.

Who the fuck does that?

I mean it’s different when you go with a friend. Everyone knows full well that no one ever asks their friends to buy them stuff. But it’s different when it’s your parents or relatives.

I’m not the type to ask for stuff I don’t need, but when I know I need it & I’m being ignored, grrrr!!!!

That’s it for now. More rants later - more than likely.

Fucking Parents

Question for everyone -

Why are some parents such fucking bitches and assholes????!!!!

Seriously, mine are such fucking hypocrites, judgmental, abusers, & just are so toxic on my life that I’m about ready to scream!!!!

All they seem to care about is themselves & what would make them happy. They love to criticize me, put me down, verbally kick me while I’m down & they don’t ever consider how I feel.

One example, I know I’ve gained some weight, but they won’t stop pointing it out & calling me fat. To add to that, they go as far as telling me on a constant basis that I look pregnant & then when they see a really fat person they’ll point out that one of these days I’ll look like that person. Oh & they keep telling me that if it wasn’t for them I would be a homeless prostitute.

WTF????!!!! What kind of parent does that to their daughter(s)????!!!!

And the people who see the side of them that puts on the fake “I love my daughter” attitude believe them & see me as a bad daughter. And then they wonder why I don’t love or respect them & why I don’t listen to them majority of the time.

I really wish I had parents who loved me unconditionally & are proud of me no matter what. I definitely know my own parents are not proud of me no matter what.

To my parents what love looks like to them is treating me badly. Honestly, one of these days if they don’t stop harping me about my weight, I might just become anorexic or bulimic or both.

I am so pissed off right now. They’re the reason why I don’t have a healthy outlook on life & don’t know what healthy love looks like and don’t know what being in a healthy relationship looks like.

I hate my life!!!! 😡

tv show, movies, music, & thinking

well, it’s been a while since I last posted on here. but it looks like it’s time to post something since my brain just got me thinking again. anyway…

so I don’t know what it is about me and tv and movies and music, but somehow some of the shows/movies I watch or music I listen to or hear trigger that part of me that feels or thinks about something that I try to avoid to keep myself from feeling the depression symptoms.

Do I know what I’m thinking? Yes and no. Can I explain it, definitely not. Am I rambling? Heck yeah. I definitely know that one of the characters on the show I just got done watching said something that I can definitely relate to.

That something has to do with “growing up”. If you’ve been around people who like/love to criticize you a lot like I’ve been, like me you’ve probably heard someone tell you to “grow up” at least 5 times or more.

Have I “grown up” in some ways? Definitely yes. Do I feel like I’m the 27 year old adult who’s turning 28 in 2 weeks? No. Do I still have a lot of “growing up” to do? Definitely. Am I scared? So freakin’ much. Why? I could think of so many reasons, but mostly, there’s something about being the type of adult that I’ve been raised around that terrifies me.

No matter how many times I’ve been told that I’m not the same as the adults around me; that I know better than some of them and that I can do better because I want to be different; it still doesn’t change how terrified I am of “growing up” and really being the adult that I’m expected to be.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to forget what it’s like to be the kid or tween or teen because I don’t want to make the same mistakes - I want to be that adult that will still treat someone younger than me with respect. I still want to care about that person’s feelings and not dismiss their thoughts, opinions, and or feelings just cuz they’re younger than me. Do I think I’ll be perfect at that? Hell No. Will I more than likely screw up and accidentally hurt someone’s feelings just cuz I might not agree with them? Probably. But I’m hoping I won’t turn into that person who think’s that younger people’s feelings/opinions/thoughts don’t matter. Cuz they do matter.

Like I said, shows and movies that I watch get me thinking. Music that I listen to, get me thinking. Sometimes I wish my brain would just shut up and take a break from thinking too much.

But that’s my rant for tonight. G-Nite!!

my ex and my vocal chords

for the people who take dating and relationships seriously, I’m hoping you’ll get what I’m saying here.

when did you know when he or she was “the one”? or for some of you that have lost that special someone (i.e. through a break-up), ever felt like no one else can replace that person you lost? have you ever fought for a relationship to work so hard but also know that all you can do is try to be as patient as possible until that day comes when he or she decides that you’re “the one” for them? ever feel like without that person in your life, a big piece of you is missing? you can’t picture yourself without them? it’s like you get that feeling that you can’t breathe without them? your world and life just isn’t the same without them? no one else can live up to the standards that you’ve set except for that person who’s literally everything you’ve dreamed of and more?

Yeah, I can go on with the questions, but I think you understand what I’m trying to say. The day I made the decision to get closure from him was the day I felt like I was losing the one person who meant the world to me. The day we officially broke up for the last time, was the day I lost my singing voice and my confidence.

I keep telling myself that he’s always gonna be here for me as a friend and that he still cares. I know that when things get better for me and I am able to get help and get stable is when I’ll be able to get back to Cali and have another shot at a relationship with him and maybe more when he’s ready to go in that direction.

But as of right now, even though I still live with my parents and I still talk to him on the phone everyday and I can still sort of call him when I need someone to talk to, I can’t help but feel like I’m really alone and I know I have to admit to myself that I can’t always lean on him for support.

Do I still know he’s “the one”? heck yeah. Do I think he’s my soulmate? heck yeah. Am I hoping that we are really meant to be together? With everything that’s left in me.

I think that no matter how many times I hear that loving someone hurts this much, I can’t help but wish that it didn’t hurt.

My first thought - where’s cupid to fix this? My 2nd thought - I wish God would tell me when me and my ex will get back together.

Ok, that’s it for tonight. Don’t know if I’ll be posting everyday or night, but I guess you’ll find out when it happens.

Good Night.

Here goes…something…nothing…don’t know…

Where to start? Watching Rayna on “Nashville” struggle with getting her singing voice back after the car accident she was in, got me thinking of my own singing voice. Am I comparing myself to Rayna? Hell friggin’ no. I am definitely not as good a singer as she is. One thing I do know…my voice used to be stronger. I used to love singing and performing, and I used to accept any singing gig my mom would give me for her ministry whenever she would ask me if I wanted to sing something there. Well…that time has come around again. Saturday, November 2nd is her day to choose who she’ll invite to sing something for everyone and she asked me. Any other year in the past, I’d go for it and really try to find a song I can sing and really work hard to learn it. This time around…for the first time…my motivation is gone. Not just that, I feel like my voice has been slowly getting weaker the past few months. I can sing along with the songs on my itunes or songs on the radio. But when I really want to work on a song I can barely get through one song without feeling like my vocal chords are gonna give in on me. Is music still my dream and my passion? I can honestly answer that - yes. It’s always been that since I was 10. Is there another reason why I’m not motivated? I think I know what it is, but I’m…never mind, I do know. My confidence is gone. I mean my confidence has never really been there 100% but before it used to at least be there 90%. But I think I started losing my voice around the time when I started losing friends, and things at home just wasn’t getting better, and especially after me & my now ex broke up for the last time. The more I feel like my support system is falling apart, the more I feel like I’m losing my voice. Do I like that my confidence revolves around others? Hell no. Do I care? Yes and No. Living with Major Depression Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder sucks. But not having a stronger support system I need to get through it and feeling like I’m fighting this all alone - exhausting. Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. Don’t get me wrong, my ex is doing the best he can to be here for me as a friend, but he also lives in Cali and not here in Oregon where I currently live with parents who are not exactly the types I can run to when I feel like my world’s falling apart. I don’t know what I would do without music, but I also don’t know what I would do without a good family and good friends. I definitely still have a few good friends left, but I’ve had to accept that they can’t be there for me at just any random time whether good or bad. My family? Definitely not reliable at all. Relatives? Forget it. Majority of them don’t even know me or what I’m going through on a daily basis. I sometimes miss those times when I was better at putting on that tough front and when I could fool myself into thinking that I could sort of handle anything. But then when I think about how much I’ve changed and that I’m done with lying about who I am and what I’m going through and how exhausting it was to do that, I don’t want to go back to doing that. One thing for sure, I feel like it’s taken a toll on my body feeling depressed all the time and it’s definitely affected my vocal chords really hard. I know that not everyone is gonna understand what’s going on and I suck at explaining it. I know that people are not gonna understand why my ex is even a part of it. Well, that something I’ll kind of explain in the next post. One thing’s for sure…I hope I won’t have to give up my dream to be a singer and I’m hoping I won’t lose my singing voice at all.

Ummm…

So it’s been a long time since I’ve written in anything online other than rants on facebook. I used to have a livejournal account, but I think I deleted it. Anyway, wasn’t sure if I would ever actually post something personal on here or even use this account or not. So far all I’ve done is add people on here. Do I think anyone will read this? Maybe, maybe not. Do I care, not really. Part of me has been thinking about writing how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and part of me just feels like I wanna hide and disappear. One minute I feel like I should write down something whether I post it or not, the next minute I can’t get myself to do it. So what got me to decide to finally do it? This is gonna sound crazy, but I just got done watching the last 2 episodes of ABC’s show “Nashville” and it just got me thinking. And here’s how it is, when I start thinking too much, it usually leads to me doing something. As to what, depends on my mood and…I honestly don’t know. Tonight, it just happened to be this. Yeah, so far all I’ve done is write why I’m doing this but not really what is going on. Do I know where to even start? I have no clue. I guess I should just start somewhere…

ok…this is where the nerves are getting the best of me. I don’t know if I can get myself to really start talking about what’s going on with me, but I know that if I’m gonna keep this account, I might as well use it for something. And I have a feeling that it’s time for me to start being honest about stuff I’ve been scared to say out loud. And I guess I’ll start doing that on the next post.

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